Favourite Quotes

You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life. - p. 10, Albert Camus

“There is no value in suffering when it’s done without purpose.” - p. 25

“True happiness occurs only when you find the problems you enjoy having and enjoy solving.” - p. 32

“Our struggle determines our success. Our problems birth our happiness, along with slightly better, slightly upgraded problems.” - p. 40

“One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.” - p. 85, Freud

“Action isn’t just the effect of motivation; it’s also the cause of it” - p. 154

Summary

Chapter 1: Don’t Try

  • Book opens up with the story of Charles Bukowski, a drunk alcoholic and aspiring writers, who had nothing going for himself and worked a shitty job at a post office
    • one day when he was in his 50s a publisher decided to take a chance and sign him. His first book was about his post office job
    • Bukowski went on to became extremely successful, publishing multiple books and poems
  • on his tombstone it says: Don’t Try
  • So what does this mean exactly?
    • Bukowski knew who he was: a loser and a drunk
    • his success didn’t come from a determination to become a winner, but rather **the recognition of being a loser, accepting it, and even writing about it
    • Bukowski didn’t give a fuck about his success: he attended book signings drunk and verbally abused his audience
  • Problem with the narrative today:
    • our culture is obsessed with unrealistic positive expectations: be happier, sexier, richer, smarter, etc
    • the problem with this is that it focuses on those things that you lack.
    • the truly successful, happy, rich, etc, people don’t need to focus on these things. They simply already are. A rich person doesn’t go around yelling their rich, but the broke person tends to flaunt the stuff they do have
  • in other words, media is telling you give a fuck about everything: give a fuck about this new TV, give a fuck about a better vacation, etc
    • why? It’s good for business. Materialism
  • **the key to a good life is to give a fuck about LESS, only focus on things that are important and immediate

The Feedback Loop from Hell

  • What is the feedback loop from hell?
    • it’s the mechanism inside everyone’s head that makes them react negatively to a negative event
    • example: you’re feeling anxious because you’re about to go for a job interview. And then you start feeling anxious about your anxiety. Now you have double anxiety
    • in other words: it’s the feeling of feeling bad about feeling bad (or any other negative emotion like sadness, anger, anxiety, etc)
  • Why do we have this?
    • because in our culture today, it has been taught that negative experiences and emotions are not okay
    • everywhere we go we see success or the opposite of negativity
      • go on social media and you’ll see a 16 year old with a Lamborghini, as an example
  • To stop the feedback loop:
    • once you experience the negative emotion, recognize and accept it. Say: I feel like shit, but who gives a fuck? - p. 8
  • The root of the problem
    • we live in a time where we have so much stuff and opportunity that we don’t know what to give a fuck about anymore

Wanting positive experience is a negative experience; accepting negative experience is a positive experience - p. 9

  • The above is what philosopher Alan Watts called “the backwards law”
    • the more you pursue feeling better all the time, the more shitty you’ll feel because the fact that you lack that thing in the first place is becoming increasingly reinforced in your mind
    • example: the more you want to be rich, the more poor and unworthy you’ll feel regardless of how much you actually make

You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life. - p. 10, Albert Camus

  • the gist is: DON’T TRY! Does that mean you’ll never be able to achieve your dreams? NO!
  • many times people achieve their dreams or perform a task very successfully when they care LESS for it or are LESS invested in it. This happens ALL the time
    • the reason is because of the backwards law. The MORE you care for it, the MORE your negative experience will increase, which often times will make you fall short of whatever it is you’re trying to accomplish
    • at the same time, negative experiences can lead to positive outcomes. Going to the gym eventually leads to good health. Failing at a business leads to learning more about the process.
  • the worthwhile things in life are ONLY achieved by experiencing the associated negative experience
    • actively trying to escape the negative experience will lead you to “give more fucks” about it, which will only further the negative experience
  • the subtle art of not giving a fuck
    • this is the process of knowing how to focus and prioritize your thoughts effectively
    • how to pick and choose what matters to you based on personal values

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck

  • not giving a fuck is not the same as being a psychopath. We must clarify:
Subtlety #1: Not giving a fuck does not mean being indifferent; it means being comfortable with being different
  • being indifferent is pathetic. It means you’re weak. You’re too afraid to make decisions because you’re incapable of standing behind them or defending them. Being indifferent is NOT what you want to be
  • being comfortable with being different means making choices and not giving a fuck what other people think.
  • no matter where you go, adversity follows. The point is not to escape it, but rather face the adversity that is worth facing
Subtlety #2: To not give a fuck about adversity, you must first give a fuck about something more important than adversity
  • when you have nothing important to give a fuck about, your mind automatically will start giving fucks for stupid and small things
  • therefore you must find something important and meaningful in your life
Subtlety #3: Whether you realize it or not, you are always choosing what to give a fuck about
  • as time goes by and you mature, naturally you tend to give less fucks
  • with time and maturity we realize not everything is equally as important

What the Fuck is the Point of This Book Anyway?

  • the main lesson of this book is to help you choose what is important and what isn’t in your life
  • this book will help you turn your pain into a tool (rather than alleviate your pain), and turn your problems into slightly better problems
  • this book is a guide to suffering and how to do it better with more meaning behind it
  • in other words: it’ll teach you to “not try”

Chapter 2: Happiness is a Problem

  • this chapter begins with the origin story of the Buddha
    • he was a young prince whose father since childhood gave him everything. The prince grew up with every luxury and without suffering on any level
    • one day he was curious so he left his palace and saw the world for what it is: lots of sufferings, death, poverty, etc
    • he decided to live a life of poverty, being a beggar on the streets
    • after living this life for a while, he realized he didn’t gain anything from it. He didn’t learn any wisdom or truth about life
    • the lesson is this: life itself is suffering. No matter if you’re rich or poor, you still suffer
  • The premise many people have is: if I achieve X, then I can be happy
    • this is problematic because happiness is not a solvable equation
    • dissatisfaction is inherent to human nature and necessary to create consistent happiness

“There is no value in suffering when it’s done without purpose.” - p. 25

The Misadventures Of Disappointment Panda

  • this chapter covers suffering from a biological perspective
  • humans only suffer because it is biologically useful
    • it is what makes us change our condition or state
  • throughout human history, it was the mild dissatisfaction and suffering that caused someone to create something new, make an innovation, etc. It is this dissatisfaction that caused our species to continue fighting and survive
  • in other words: suffering is a feature of humankind, not a bug
  • pain is a necessary part of life
    • physical pain teaches us how to keep ourselves safe
      • you burned yourself on the stove? Well now you know stoves are dangerous
    • psychological pain is also the same thing
  • the danger with modern society is we try to run away from pain as much as possible, when in reality we should be experiencing some level of pain in order to stay in touch with the realities of the world
  • the lesson is this: life is full of problems. You cannot run away from them. The best thing you can hope for is a life full of GOOD problems

Happiness Comes From Solving Problems

  • problems never stop; instead, they are exchanged or upgraded
    • you have health problems? Solution: gym membership… but now you have new problems such as managing your time more wisely, exhausting yourself at the gym, etc
  • the trick is not to desire to have 0 problems, but rather work on solving your problems. This is where happiness comes from
  • happiness is an action/activity. We have to DO something in order to be happy. It’s doesn’t magically appear out of the blue

“True happiness occurs only when you find the problems you enjoy having and enjoy solving.” - p. 32

  • This seems straight forward: solve problems, be happy. But where do people fuck up?
    • Denial: some people deny their problems exist in the first place
    • Victim mentality: some people believe there is no solution to their problems and may blame other people or circumstances for their problems

Emotions Are Overrated

  • emotions server the same biological purpose as pain: they are signals indicating some change is required
    • ex: sadness of being alone teaches you not to do things that make you feel alone
  • lifecycle of the emotions within you
    • you have negative emotions = a call to action
    • then you get positive emotions = rewards for taking the proper action
    • then you lose positive emotions = more problems emerge
    • rinse and repeat
  • you must remember that emotions can be tricky: not all negative emotions are bad, not all positive are good. You must make it a habit to question your emotions
    • emotions must be paired with reason to get the best outcome
  • you must never rely on emotions solely. Emotions are flimsy. One day something may make you happy, the next day you feel nothing from it

Choose Your Struggle

  • you must not ask yourself “what do you want in life?” but rather “what pain do you want to endure? Or are willing to endure?”
  • many people want something, they want to achieve a dream. But when they really analyze themselves, they don’t actually want it
    • people want the RESULT/REWARD of something, but not the struggle.
    • in order to actually WANT something, you must be in love with the fight, with the process, not just the victory and the reward
  • examples
    • people who ENJOY the struggles of the gym are the ones who can run triathlons and lift 1000 pounds
    • people who ENJOY the struggles of long work-weeks and political corporate ladders are the ones who get promoted to high positions

“Our struggle determines our success. Our problems birth our happiness, along with slightly better, slightly upgraded problems.” - p. 40

Chapter 3: You Are Not Special

  • This chapter begins by telling the story of Jimmy; a self-obsessed delusional deadbeat who thought he was the shit, had all these lavish business ideas, but ultimately did nothing about it
  • self-confidence can easily be taken too far and lead to entitlement which is simply a delusional level of self-confidence. You are NOT special.

Things Fall Apart

  • entitlement can show in two ways:
    • I’m awesome and the rest of you suck, therefore I deserve special treatment
      • this is the denial discussed earlier. This person thinks they have no problems
    • I suck and the rest of you are awesome, therefore I deserve special treatment
      • this is the victim mentality discussed earlier. This person thinks they have lots of problems many of which have no solutions
  • no problems are unique. Chances are many others are going through the EXACT same problems as you. Therefore, you are NOT special
  • entitlement is a real problem in today’s society
    • think about woke-ism and cancel culture. “This offends me. CANCELLED!”

The Tyranny of Exceptionalism

  • most people are average, but there are some who excel in one category (and nothing else)
    • professional athletes are often stupid
    • celebrities are often stupid
    • hyper-successful business people often have shitty personal lives
    • etc
  • in modern times, we’re constantly shown exceptionalism around us to the point where we believe exceptionalism is the new normal
    • in the news, media, etc, we’re constantly shown only the top 1% of everything; the BEST jokes, the MOST upsetting news, the SCARIEST threats, etc
  • this causes people to react negatively, became insecure or desperate, feel less-than, etc. How do they react?
    • Entitlement!. Either through adopting a victim mentality or the opposite (denial)
  • the problem lies in the fact that mass-media, social media, etc, are pumping out content only displaying exceptionalism, which fucks up people’s perception of themselves and creates unrealistic standards

But If I’m Not Going to be Special or Extraordinary, What’s the Point?

  • our culture today spreads the message that “EVERYONE is EXCEPTIONAL”
    • by definition, if everyone is exceptional that means NO ONE is
    • being ‘average’ is considered a failure
    • this message is nothing but jerking off your ego
  • exceptional can be above average, or even below average, and that’s how victim mentality is born
  • the real people who truly succeed in life don’t have a belief that they’re exceptional, in fact it’s the OPPOSITE
    • anti-entitlement is what you want to adopt
    • you must recognize that you are average and can improve many aspects of your life
    • this recognition is what drives you to become exceptional
  • the overall lesson of this chapter is: “The vast majority of your life will be boring and not noteworthy, and that’s okay” - p. 62
    • understanding this will help you realize the important things in life and get rid of the constant “extraordinary-chasing” mentality

Chapter 4: The Value of Suffering

  • this chapter opens up with the story of Japanese WW2 soldier Onoda
    • he was given an order to defend a Philippine island against the US army and never surrender
    • his squad was reduced to just him and a few others. They were in the forests mainly
    • Onoda fought in that island for 25 YEARS after the end of WW2 because he thought the war was still going on. The Japanese and Pilipino government dropped leaflets to inform them the war was over but he thought it was US propaganda
    • later in life Onoda said he regrets NOTHING. He said it was an honor to serve the nonexistent empire for most of his life
    • the lesson is this: Onoda CHOSE to suffer the way he did. His suffering had MEANING
  • we know now problems and suffering are a part of life, so we must ask ourselves:
    • Why am I suffering? For what purpose?
  • Onoda’s story continued:
    • he returned to Japan and is treated as a celebrity. But he is HORRIFIED at Japanese culture: it is capitalistic, conservative values are gone, tradition is gone
    • he came to the horrific realization that the last 30 years of life meant NOTHING. All the fighting meant NOTHING
    • this realization hurt him more than the 30 years of fighting in the jungle. His suffering meant NOTHING
    • after this realization Onoda left Japan and settled in Brazil where he died

The Self-Awareness Onion

  • layers of self-awareness
    • first layer: simple understanding of one’s emotions
      • “this is when I feel happy”, “this makes me sad”, etc
    • second layer: the ability to ask WHY we feel certain emotions
      • this helps us understand the root cause of the emotion we’re feeling
    • third layer: our personal values
      • “why do I consider this to be a success/failure?”
      • “How am I choosing to measure myself?”
      • “What standard am I using to judge myself/others?”
      • this is most important layer because our values determine the nature of our problems which determines the quality of our lives
  • the objective truths/facts about your problem/situation are not that important
    • what matters is how you CHOOSE you see your situation, how you CHOOSE to measure and value it
    • in other words: problems are inevitable, but the meaning of each problem is determined however we choose

Rock Star Problems

  • this section covers two separate case-studies of values in action
    • First example: Mustaine was kicked out of Metallica. He then pursued the route of revenge and vowed to start his own band and become more successful than Metallica. Mustaine’s band became successful and he became a millionaire, but Metallica was still wildly more successful than his band was. Many years later despite being a millionaire, he still viewed himself as a failure for not surpassing Metallica
      • his metric for determining his success was “being bigger than Metallica”, so his problems were A LOT larger and not easily solvable. Because of this, he was NOT happy because he couldn’t solve his problems
    • Second example: Pete was kicked out of the Beatles. He went down the route of drinking and being a lazy guy. In an interview many decades later Pete said “I’m happier than I would have been with the Beatles”. Why?
      • It’s because his values, and therefore his metric for measuring success have changed. He got married and had kids, had a great family life and overall led a very simple life. This is what he valued. And this is what made him happy
  • what do we learn from these two examples?
    • not all values are created equal!
    • Some values and metrics lead to good problems that are solvable, others lead to bad problems that will tear you apart

Shitty Values

  • list of shitty values
  • Pleasure
    • pleasure should not be a value itself, rather pleasure is a by-product from happiness
    • simply pursuing pleasure as a value will lead you down a horrible path: drugs, adultery, obesity
  • Material success
    • research shows that once you make enough to provide basic needs, making more doesn’t significantly increase happiness
    • the danger here mainly lies in prioritizing material success OVER behavior (honesty, compassion, etc) because then you just become an asshole
  • Staying positive all the time
    • negative emotions are NOT bad. We NEED them. It is a part of healthy emotions
    • looking at the “bright side” is fine, but not all time. You must ACCEPT your negative emotions rather than just looking at the “bright side”
    • constant positivity is a form of avoidance which as we know isn’t a valid solution to your problems
    • remember, it’s never a good idea to deny the existence of your problems. We NEED problems for a healthy life. Problems provide meaning.
  • all of these ‘values’ above are NOT values, rather they are the by-product of having good values, good problems, solving them, and ultimately becoming happy

“One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.” - p. 85, Freud

Defining Good and Bad Values

  • a good value has these qualities:
    • reality-based
      • you know when you’ve solved your problem
      • ex: ‘popularity’ isn’t a good value/metric but you have no idea what other people think of you. It isn’t based on reality
    • socially constructive
    • immediate and controllable
      • it should be something fully within your control
  • as a rule of thumb: good values are achieved internally, while bad values rely on external events
  • good values:
    • honesty, innovation, self-respect, standing up for yourself, etc
  • bad values:
    • dominance through manipulation, violence , indiscriminate fucking, feeling good all the time, being rich for the sake of being rich, etc
  • values are about prioritization. It’s fine to desire a dozen houses, but that shouldn’t be your main value/metric
  • once we prioritize our values, we can divert our fucks to those things and give less fucks about the meaningless things in our lives
  • Self-improvement in a nutshell: prioritizing better values leads to giving more fucks to those things > leads to having better problems > leads to having a better life

The rest of this book covers the best 5 values to have in your life

  1. taking responsibility for everything that happens in your life
  2. uncertainty: acknowledging your own ignorance
  3. failure: willingness to discover your own flaws
  4. rejection: ability to say and hear ‘no’
  5. contemplation of one’s own mortality

Chapter 5: Your Are Always Choosing

  • often times the difference between a problem being painful or powerful/empowering is choice
  • when you choose a problem, it feels good. When a problem is forced upon you against your will, it’s not fun

The Choice

  • this section covers the origin story of William James, a psychologist in the 1800s with a radical idea that everything that happens in your life is a choice
  • Obviously not everything that happens is your choice, external factors play a role
    • but the way you interpret those events and how you REACT to them is FULLY in your control

The Responsibility/Fault Fallacy

  • the often repeated quote of “with great power comes great responsibility” should actually be switched to “with great responsibility comes great power”
    • the more responsibility we accept in our lives, the more power we’ll exercise over our lives
    • this reminds me of JPs lectures. He always encourages the “radical responsibility” approach. He says all young men need is a little bit of responsibility in their lives.
  • responsibility and fault are two very different things, but people often mix them up
    • you can be responsible for something and yet NOT be at fault for it
    • example: a new born baby appears on your doorstep. You’re NOT at fault, but you are now responsible for that baby and whatever you choose to do next is FULLY on YOU and you must face the consequences
  • another example is this: your girlfriend cheats on you then breaks up with you after a 5 year relationship
    • you are heart-broken. Yes, your girlfriend is the one to blame for you feel, but she is NOT responsible for how you feel. Only YOU are.
    • you must also take responsibility for all the negative feelings you feel from this. Only from that can you move forward and learn

Responding to Tragedy

  • tragedy is always beyond our control, like the death of a loved one. How could you possibly take responsibility for that?
  • Ultimately, you are still responsible for your own actions, emotions, and beliefs. The way you react to a tragedy is still fully in your control
  • this section talks about Malala Yusufzai and her story, how despite being shot in the head and surviving, she still made TOUGH choices on how to move forward and continued to stand up for women world-wide

Genetics and the Hand We’re Dealt

  • dealing with a condition like OCD is not your fault, but it is your responsibility. How you CHOOSE to live with it is fully up to you
  • a 2013 BBC documentary followed 3 teens with OCD and taught them the principles outlined in this book thus far, that their OCD is not their fault, but it is their responsibility. All 3 teens improved
  • a good analogy for life is playing poker
    • everyone is dealt a deck of cards, some good and some bad
    • the way the game/life plays out is based on CHOICES you make along the way, not the cards you were dealt
    • yes, starting with shitty cards will put you in a disadvantage, but ultimately you can get yourself in a better position by making the right CHOICES
  • Lesson is this: No matter how BAD life gets, you are always RESPONSIBLE for how you react and what actions you take

Victimhood Chic

  • today’s society perpetuates a culture of victimhood; it’s ‘cool’ to be a victim nowadays
  • Ryan Holiday has coined “outrage porn”. It refers to when the media reports on ‘offensive’ things that people can get outraged by, then they broadcast that outrage to more people who would get outraged further. This creates an “outrage loop”
    • this distracts people from real societal problems and only increases victimhood culture
  • another problem with victimhood culture is that when EVERYONE is a victim, we don’t know who the real victims are
  • why do people want to be a victim? It makes them feel good. It gives them a high. They’ll feel morally superior and self righteous

There is No “How”

  • the question, how do we change?
  • there is no ‘how’! Just CHANGE. You just have to CHOOSE to give a fuck about worthy things. That’s it.
  • it will be hard at first getting rid of old stupid values/metrics, but it’s going to help you in the long run

Chapter 6: You’re Wrong About Everything (But So Am I)

  • personal growth is an iterative process of being wrong, learning, then being slightly less wrong
  • being wrong opens up an opportunity for you to change and grow

Architects of Our Own Beliefs

  • study individuals were taken to a room with a bunch of buttons that can be pushed. They were told that if they do something specific (some ‘pattern’ they have to figure out) then they receive points and a light flickers. Their goal is to get as many points as possible in 30 minutes
    • every individual started experiment with different things, pressing different buttons, using patterns, etc. They even started doing this beyond the buttons, such as facing a specific direction, jumping up and down, and other bodily movements
    • they all believed they ‘won’ the game and found the correct pattern
    • the catch: the light flickers randomly. It’s not tied to what the individual does or which buttons they press.
    • this study proves that the human mind is great at believing in bullshit that isn’t real
    • the reason for this is because our brains are ‘meaning machines’. Everything that happens, our brains associate meaning to it.
      • you see a chair. You note that it’s gray. Your brain associates those two things: the chair is gray
  • there are 2 problems:
    • the brain is imperfect: we are forgetful, we mistake things we see or hear, etc
    • once we create a meaning, our brains are designed to hold on to that: this creates a bias within our mind. We don’t want to let go of that, even if we see evidence that contradicts our beliefs
  • therefore everything we come to know is a product of our imperfect and biased brain
    • this means that most beliefs are wrong; some are just less wrong that others

The Dangers of Pure Certainty

  • have pure certainty is what leads to evil
    • psychologist Roy Baumeister discovered this in the 90s.
    • for individuals to feel justified in doing evil things, they must have certainty in their own righteousness
      • racists do racist things because they are CERTAIN about their genetic superiority
      • religious fanatics blow themselves up because they are CERTAIN they have a spot in heaven
      • so on and so forth
  • always pursuing certainty can lead to insecurity
    • example: checking your boyfriends phone so make sure he isn’t cheating on your will only lead you to have more insecurity in your relationship because even after you check you’d wonder ‘maybe he has a second phone’, and the cycle continues
  • therefore we must pursue the OPPOSITE: The more we embrace uncertainty, the more comfortable we’ll feel in knowing what we don’t know
  • uncertainty is a prerequisite to improvement
    • as they say: the man who believes he knows everything learns nothing. - p. 129

Manson’s Law of Avoidance

  • this law states: the more something threatens your identity, the more you will avoid it - p. 130
  • people are afraid of failure (and success) because it would change the way they see themselves
  • people avoid anything that would change how they view themselves
  • examples:
    • you avoid talking to your husband about spicing up the bedroom because it would challenge your identity as a good moral woman
    • you avoid writing the book you’ve been thinking about because it would challenge your identity as a mortgage broker
    • etc
  • if you are a certain way, it’s very unlikely you would change because you’d be afraid of your identity being shattered
    • example: the guy who parties a lot to the point that’s become his identity, even when his friends have settled down he’s likely to continue his lifestyle because he doesn’t want his identity to be shattered
  • the notions of “knowing yourself” or “find/discover yourself” are bullshit. You don’t want to know yourself because then you’ll be constricted to one specific identity

Kill Yourself

  • the idea here is to let go of whatever identity you have
  • this gives us free reign to actually act and grow, encountering failures that let us grow even further
  • example: a woman who is in a crappy marriage. If she admits to yourself “maybe I’m just not good at relationships” then she is suddenly free to act and end her marriage.
    • that’s because she doesn’t have an identity to protect by staying in a crappy marriage

How to be a Little Less Certain of Yourself

  • ask yourself these questions:
  • “What if I’m wrong?”
    • you may believe in something, but you must always ask yourself if you’re wrong in believing or thinking that way
    • for change to occur in your life, you must be wrong about something.
    • if you have a miserable life, that means there’s something WRONG in your life. You have to FIND it by asking yourself this question.
  • “What would it mean if I were wrong?”
    • the meaning behind our wrongness can be painful, but it’s necessary to grow
    • example: if you believe in a religion, you should ask yourself this question (and the above question). What would it mean if you were wrong? It may mean your life falls apart. Your social circles are gone. Your family might be gone too. You might have to fully redefine your life.
  • “Would being wrong create a better or a worse problem than my current problem, for both myself and others?”
    • this question would ultimately determine if your values are good ones
    • if you’re in a situation of you vs the world, chances are YOU are in the wrong and it’s actually you vs yourself

Chapter 7: Failure is the Way Forward

The Failure/Success Paradox

  • story of Pablo Picasso
    • one day he was in a café doodling on a napkin. He chucked the napkin aside and proceeded to leave
    • a woman watching him in aw, stopped him and said she’d pay for that napkin, after all Picasso was a world-renowned artist. He said sure, it’ll be 20k dollars.
    • She was shocked at the high price tag and said “but it took you 2 minutes to draw it?!?!” Picasso said, “no, it took me 60 years to draw it”
    • Lesson: you don’t charge based on time, but based on experience/value you can bring to the client
  • the way to improve in something is to experience failure. The more you fail, the better you’ll become at that skill
    • failure = learning experience
  • the avoidance of failure
    • when babies are learning to walk, they rarely give up. When they fall, they get right back up.
    • avoiding failure is learned later in life, likely from the schooling system that punishes failure, bad parenting, and mass media that only portrays the successes of people
    • [[12 Rules for Life#11 Do Not Bother Children When They Are Skateboarding|JP preaches the same message in rule #11]]

Pain is Part of the Process

  • negative emotions like fear, anxiety, sadness, are not always undesirable; rather oftentimes they are part of the necessary pain of psychological growth
    • many people who suffered from a traumatic event (living through war, beating cancer, etc), often times report as being much happier and stronger AFTER the event
  • to build muscle, you must ensure physical pain. On the same vein, to build emotional resilience, you must endure emotional pain
  • often times it is pain, or a traumatic event that forces people to revaluate their values (existential crisis type of thing)
  • some problems seem easy on the outside, but for the person having them are very difficult, often cause they involve pain and emotions
    • example: a son who is in med school because his parents wanted him to do it. They are immigrants and worked their ass off to put him into med school. He’d feel guilt if he drops out.
    • two things here: suffer the pain, and separate your feeling from what is
    • suffer the pain: whatever choice you make, it’ll be HARD and PAINFUL. You simply have to learn to stomach the pain
    • separate your feelings from what is: often we assume the other party will react negatively. But how do we know this is the case? How do we know the parents are going to flip out if their son drops out? Maybe they truly will understand… You’ll never know unless you do it
  • the lesson: don’t be afraid to act. Remember, we don’t know jack shit about jack shit. Life is about NOT knowing but DOING it anyways.

The “Do Something” Principle

“Action isn’t just the effect of motivation; it’s also the cause of it” - p. 154

  • the idea here is to simply DO SOMETHING. Stuck on a problem? Just start working on it. Everything else will fall into place
  • we often think action is driven by motivation, but it can be the other way around too!
  • story of the novelist:
    • he wrote hundreds of books. He was asked how he could write so much. He said “200 words per day”.
    • basically he gave himself a goal to write 200 words per day (a very small amount), but once you’re in the zone, 200 words quickly become 2000 words!

Chapter 8: The Importance of Saying No

  • absolute freedom is meaningless. The freedom must be accompanied with the capability to say ‘no’, i.e. the narrowing of freedom, or the ‘creation of choices’.
    • this is what ultimately created meaning for you
    • sure, you have the freedom to go to any country in the world, or sleep with any woman in the world, but committing to ONE choice is how your freedom can turn into a meaningful freedom
    • eventually travelling so much, sleeping around so much, etc, become boring and meaningless. It might be fun for a moment, but it’s not long-lasting

Rejection Makes Your Life Better

  • we must all give a fuck about something in order to value something. And to value something, we must reject what is NOT that something.
    • to value X, we must reject non-X
    • therefore rejection is important
  • if we never reject anything, we have no identity, because we are defined by what we choose to reject

Boundaries

  • healthy love = two people accepting and addressing their own problems with each other’s support
  • unhealthy love = two people using each other as an escape, i.e. escaping their problems by using their emotions for each other
  • there are 2 factors that dictate the health level of a relationship
    • how well each person accepts responsibility
    • willingness of each person to reject and be rejected by their partner
  • a healthy relationship breeds clear boundaries
    • boundaries = the delineation between two people’s responsibilities for their own problems
    • an unhealthy relationship is one where one partner is either taking responsibilities of problems that are NOT theirs, or forcing the other to take on their problems
  • examples of bad boundaries:
    • “I can date you, but don’t tell my friend Cindy, She gets jealous when I have a BF”
      • this is NOT the BF’s problem. This is the GFs problem she needs to work out with Cindy
    • “I want a relaxing weekend at home. You should’ve canceled your plans”
      • again one partner is giving their own problems to their other partner

How to Build Trust

  • you should never try to make each other feel good; honesty should be number 1 in a relationship
  • conflict is produced to cement trust; without conflict, you wouldn’t know who is there for you unconditionally
  • therefore boundaries and saying ‘no’ are absolutely crucial for a relationship because that is what produces conflict

Freedom Through Commitment

  • having too much freedom, i.e. too many options, can be bad. This is the ‘paradox of choice’
  • not committing can allow us to have breadth of experience, but overtime it’s not good. We get diminishing return from it.
    • if you start travelling, the first few countries would be great, but the 20th wouldn’t feel as good as the 2nd. And the 50th wouldn’t feel as good as the 20th. This applies to every other experience in life too
  • instead we must pursue depth of experience which only comes from commitment
  • commitment gives us freedom because it allows us to focus on that which is important, rather than be distracted by the many options around us

Chapter 9: …And Then You Die

  • Mark Mason tells the story of when he was 19, his friend Josh died in an accident. It was this traumatic event that caused him to have a perspective change.
    • if we’re going to die eventually, might as well ACTUALLY live. Give it your all. Give it everything.

Something Beyond Our Selves

  • we have two selves: physical self, conceptual self
  • it is the fear of death (our physical self/body) that drives us to create a conceptual self that can last longer than our physical self
    • this is why people want their names on buildings (when they sponsor the construction, for example), this is why people want power so they are remembered in history, etc
  • the establishment of this conceptual self is achieved via our values. And these are BAD values. Because the pursuit of the conceptual self is the PROBLEM, not the solution to the anxiety of death
  • instead we MUST ACCEPT and become comfortable with the reality of our own death
  • once we do accept the fact of death (which is the underlying anxiety in all of our lives), we can then choose our values in a more free manner, without the shackles of the anxiety of death hovering above us

The Sunny Side of Death

  • the lesson: there is nothing to be afraid of. Reminding yourself of your own mortality, whether through meditation, prayer, or philosophy, can help you remember that there is nothing to be afraid of.
  • the more you realize one day you’ll die and nothing will fucking matter, the easier everything else becomes
  • the more you accept your mortality, the more you will actually LIVE.
    • life is short. Death is near. You can’t waste life being fearful.

Reflections

This was a great book overall. Very clear, straight to the point, and not confusing at all.

Actionable Things

  • actionable 1: re-evaluate my values and how I measure success/failure
  • actionable 2: reflect on death more often
    • it will help put things into perspective. Life is short, you must LIVE rather than be in a state of anxiety over stupid things
  • actionable 3: pursue meaningful struggles/problems
    • find things that I want to solve, i.e. pick my problems
    • this is where happiness comes from; solving good/meaningful problems